he_artattack

wish i could find a bottle, throw us inside and seal it.
and take the highest seas to the furthest places,
and drink in all the new and different.

music plays.
i play air guitar.
pretending to be a rock star
makes up for the lack that i'm not.
almost.
if you could see me...
...you would smile.
boxers and a wife-beater
crazy hair and strumming hands.

tired i sit.
sad and lonely.
stoned and horny.
it's reality.
i am me...
...crazy/goofy.

just my air fender and me

vday.
what a fucking crock.
in other news,
my head was spinning...
thoughts that shouldn't be there were.
people.
i fucking hate them.
i spaced out.
i wasn't there.
that was nice.
let's replay that.

in other other news...
special visit.
9 days
can't wait

i need sleep.

i question
you stare and blink,
causing me to wonder
why it always remains fucked up.
as a person,
with a situation (any small moment which plays like a soap opera)
treasured moment, may i ask?
when you wonder what i am thinking.
when you sit there
winking
trying not to cry?
fucked up is understated
fucked up is
fucked up
fucked
the cheese grater of heartbreakers and tearjerkers and missing toes of war
heroes
heroes that accomplish what i always tried to do
dignity.
you and me
soldiers
lovely
she's lovely
she's fucked up too

and now i remember why i kept walls up in the first place.

i shouldn't be awake.
i shouldn't be attempting to type as i am not 'myself' at the moment. i should quit.
hahaha.

i painted for a little over four hours tonight and it was as if no time was passing at all...it was amazing, finally, i was entranced in my art again.
the world disappears and i am happy.

i am trying to keep my focus on things that are going to make me happy. not going as well as i planned.
i did what i didn't want to do. partial wall came down.
and for what?
6 months right?
no more time counting.
no more, "you know", "i know", "we both know's.
jump. (?)

maybe i should take my own advice.
but could i?
again?

i keep thinking to myself, "this year will be better for you zara"...
and i here i sit hoping that every day.
now that i have completely weeded out certain people that i don't need in my life, things are looking up.
i have lived too much for a person of 24. it's time that i am able to relax a little this year. take things easier. less drama.
and less people who are going to hurt me.
granted, that last part is never easily prevented.

*toasts*, to 2007...i had a great night...the new year's party, hanging with some of my closest friends...it was wonderful. except for the part when for the first time in my life, i held and shot off a firework (a roman candle), and i ended up with the dud. here i was watching everyone else go first to make sure it wasn't so scary...when i decide that it is safe and almost fun, i get the mother fucking dud! by dud i mean, instead of the thing shooting straight up, it goes up and out only a few feet, diving right into this girl's back.
oops.
i seriously thought she was going to catch on fire. i think i even at one point told her to stop drop and roll. (i wasn't exactly 'myself').
but now i remember why i never liked fireworks.

and why is it that things never go as planned with me? people never go as planned?
those who come into our lives unexpectedly and turn things upside down in the best way possible.
my mind is too busy again...wondering...scared...
what if? always a 'what if?"

and here i am again...feeling like the world's biggest asshole.
wanting to please everyone, someone always gets hurt.

one day, i am going to just focus on me being happy...one day.

merry xmas.

eh, not so much on the merry part i suppose.
i drove down to visit the family. interesting, let me just say. my mom, love her, but i can only handle so much of her. sooo i slept most of yesterday away. it was nice. to finally catch up on sleep. my reason for lack of sleep...not complaining.
it's weird how much i miss orlando when i am away. more than likely because when i am down at my parent's, the neighborhood kids shooting mailboxes with BB guns is not exactly...well um, stimulating.
small towns just don't do it for me.
so, glad to be back.
can't wait for new years...2007 i hope will be better.
we shall see.

oh, bonus moments to my weekend: went out to eat with my folks and had my fave dish.
my fortune cookie said "oops...wrong cookie"
drew a LOT
and scored a new book.

i sit here drumming my fingers on the keys thinking about you wondering about me.
i keep things about me to myself...afraid to let anyone in. i have always been ok on my own.
let's not shake it up.

i am finally moved in. almost completely. i couldn't be happier. my roommates are amazing. i love them both.
brandizzle makes an amazing pizza. and nessa just is simply wonderful.
i feel like i have a 'home' now. art is flowing once again. and i am getting better, just enjoying it all. infact, i am off to go get lost in it now.


i think about you from time to time. i shouldn't.
i'll stop.
torture isn't always fun.